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It’s been a while since our last family holiday; we’ve been so busy with getting back into the groove with two kids and because Shafiq works a lot of weekends it’s quite rare for us to get time off as a family. So we decided to take a weekend getaway.

At first we didn’t know where to go..Shafiq suggested bandung, i suggested Kota Kinabalu, but after thinking, we shelved those ideas since I wanted to go to both places wth more planning time involved. So then it was really not that much choice left – the east coast was off limits since the monson season was rolling in, so that left Melaka, Perak, and all the Utagha states. I felt like going to Ipoh for Lost world of Tambun but Shafiq qasn’t too keen. so we settled on Penang a day before we were supposed to go. Booked the hotels near midnight and the next morning we headed off in the rain. Yep it rained all the way from KL to penang and throughout the first day, thankfully it was mostly drivng and stopping for food je, but we finally reached the hotel at 5pm. (penang is smallm but the jams make it feel so big lol)

We had decided on staying in the Batu Feringghi area since we already stayed in Georgetown the last time we were in Penang. The hotel was quite nice, though it wasnt directly on the beach. They had a cool kids pool but of course, Eesa was too scared to play in it >.>. I prayed so hard that day 2 wouldn’t be rainy, and Alhamdulillah, we woke up to dazzling sunshine. Hit the poolside straight away, and then took a quick walk to the beach. by then it was noon so we headed back, changed, and headed back out for lunch. When in penang, they say you HAVE to eat Nasi Kandar. Shafiq of course loves it, I’m just so-so. not the biggest fan. Shafiq called up his friend to ask where the best places are, so we headed off to one. It seemed rather innocous but even then there was a long line down the kaki lima. I told shafiq to get me sotong and please, no kuah banjir! Food was alright~

Our next destination was Bukit bendera. i’ve been wanting to go since forever, the last two times we were in Penang 1) it was closed for renovation 2) we didn’t have enough time. We made a wrong turn and ended up at the penang botanical garden instead, for the jeep rides up to penang hill, so we turned around and finally got there at around 4.30pm. Waited in line and finally got on he funicular at 5.30, and by the time we got to the top a light drizzle was already getting started. Oh well. Strolled around but couldn’t really explore everywhere because the rain just got heavier and heavier. by 7 we decided to call it a day and head back down (upgraded to fast lane tickets because boy was the line looooooooong)

Dinner was Subway and McD because we were too tired to go find a place to eat plus rain plus kids.

The next day we hit the pool again, and it was another struggle to get eesa out, lol. Checked out and headed to another Nasi Kandar place. Bungkus je coz the kids were knocked out, and decided to head back to KL, stopping on the way at a small RnR to gobble down the food in a pondok by the pakring lot so we could keep an eye on the kids still sleeping in the car.

Its been more than a while since i last wrote in this dusty old blog, but this was worth breaking my silent spell for. Australia was the absolute best. I want to move there.

:'(

Once in high school my classmate accidentally swallowed a pin, jarum peniti, while she was fixing her scarf. she was brought to the clinic and the news traveled trough our school. It was a very small school mind you, every grade only had one class and in each class was less than 20 students. so everyone knew everyone, and our whole class was abuzz with this news. when she came back from the clinic and i bumped into her coming up the stairs, i asked her what happened and if everything was okay now. and maybe she was tired or something but she answered with “you know Maryam, you should mind your own business”

i was taken aback and kinda saddened because i was asking out of real concern. and i find that ever since then i tend to hold myself back myself from caring too much. some people dont want you to care i guess. now i have to relearn how to do that.

Last month April was National Poetry month in certain parts of the world and us kata.mata peeps decided to give it a go. The aim was to write one piece per day at least. I tried my bestest and came up just short at 23/30, which is alright I guess? Not that they are any good, but some of them I really liked.

Here is a link to all my April poetry, and below are some of the ones I liked best. Enjoy!

—
16/04/2011
“The Everywhere House” by Maryam H

The everywhere house
sits on anywhere street
filled with everyday men
doing any day feats

—
02/04/2011
“I don’t keep well” by Maryam H

I keep my hands in my pockets,
Or my arms folded across my ribs
Entwined in a clumsy half-knot
And my fists gently clenched

I keep my legs crossed, one over the other
Left over right, right over left
My dangling foot, tapping, dancing, and then still
Shifting my weight and drawing myself in

I keep my eyes darting and roaming into the distance,
Fixated on a faraway oblivion
And then flickering down at my hands, my feet
A perpetual, evasive drill

I keep my hands, my feet, my eyes from you
But still my heart finds yours

—
08/04/2011
“Who wouldn’t?” by Maryam H

did you hear about the girl who never said a word?
they say she holds a milliom gems in her mouth
and when she opens up,
well. i guess we’ll never find out, will we?

well i heard she has a heart that pumps liquid gold
they say thats why she seems so heavy
it kills her, of course, but she’s already broken.
and when she bleeds,
well. she rarely ever does

i heard when she cries, her tears are falling diamonds
hardened with pain and warm with fury
perfectly cut each time

well.
i’d cry all the time if i was her
i’d cut myself and bleed each day if i was her
i’d talk non stop if i was her

who wouldn’t?

—
11/04/2011
“Please, will you not let me” by Maryam H

Please, will you not let me
Trace the contours of your supple words
Indulge me with the presence of your shadow
Give me the pleasure of your warm hand
And I would gladly return the favor

—
14/04/2011
“Periscope” by Maryam H

We plan and we conspire
Whispering secrets and knowing glances
The world was never smaller when we were apart
And never as together as when we were near
We plan and we conspire
but
History is something we’ll never have

Okay this is going to be a short and possibly weird post about two dreams I had, one yesterday and one the day before. Let’s start with the zombie dream.

(Please note that, according to my mom, my dreams never make any sense, or have any point. let’s begin)

The scene unfolds where there are 2 people in a dark room, on a dark night. A Man and a woman. They are arguing, but not violently. The woman asks the man about an ex he used to have, and some issues she had with her. The man has his back to her, and is putting away folded laundry into the dresser. He looks at the woman through the mirror atop said dresser. Suddenly the woman hears soft, haunting singing coming from the window, and you can see a lady with blonde hair perched on the sill, singing. It is the man’s ex. the woman asks, what is she doing here?? But the lady on the sill hides from the man’s view. The man is about to wave it off when the lady appears in full frame of the window, this time laughing and singing hysterically. Her eyes are bloodshot and her hair is a tangle. Her face is terrible. She is a zombie. The woman is frozen in shock while the zombie lady scratches on the window pane and starts knocking on the glass. The man wheels around and then quickly turns back, rummaging frantically inside the dresser, and finally pulls out a revolver. The zombie starts pounding on the glass and the woman is shaken out of her frozen state and starts screaming in terror. The man aims and fires off a shot, killing the zombie. But just as she falls dead another zombie, this time a man (who was infatuated with zombie lady) appears and is furious that the love of his life is dead. He bangs on the window and another shot is fired, and he also drops dead. The man and woman stand there breathing hard when the bushes start trembling and out bursts a whole legion of zombies, who start smashing the windows. There are too many zombies, and not enough bullets. The man and woman crouch down and run through the house trying to find an escape from the inevitable.
Darkness ensues.
The end.

n.b. I don’t know anything about zombies so the accuracy of the happenings in my dream can’t be guaranteed. I’m heard zombies don’t die when you shoot them. Which is the problem I suppose.

The next dream is a short one. It features me and my siblings, and we form a legion of superheroes with architectural powers. The mission was to erect column on an empty hall that was going to be used as a wedding hall for my cousins wedding. I was the master commander person who orchestrated and directed the whole operation. In my dream there was a real sense of urgency, as if you were fighting evil, even though it was just putting up columns. I suppose we were chasing a deadline. So my brother, rec man, would zap out 4sided shapes also known as squares onto the floor. My other brother would color it, he was b man (b is the shortcut for paint bucket in sketchup) then there’s p woman, who could push/pull like that sketchup tool. And together we successfully put up the required columns in a relatively quick time and our cousins got married happily in that hall.

Also, all of us architecture superheroes could fly!

Invasion of the floating cubes by ~saramondo

//be forewarned. This is a rant//

I feel like a kid who, after being told to be a good boy or else Santa won’t be dropping by this year, finds out that not only was he not good enough, but that HAHA Santa isn’t real.
We are told that if we work hard, strive to do our best and be the top among the rest, that there will be some sort of reward at the end of it. That we will get what we want, because we tried and worked so hard for it. And being stupid and naive we believe this. Putting in all our efforts into trying to be the best because we want that bright future that is promised. Like donkeys and carrots. Why do they do that? And why did we believe them? In the end after doing our best, we EXPECT some sort or return. some sort of lauding from the world, a pat on the back saying, well done, chap. now that you’ve shown that you can jump over hurdles and make it through relatively unscathed, here’s a little present to make your going forth a little bit easier. There will be more challenges, of course, harder ones, but if you do well enough, there’s another reward at the end of this tunnel, this road. Go forth, and prosper.

No.

There isn’t. Being the best is not good enough. You have to be better than the best, and be sufficiently normal and extraordinary at the same time. You have to have the luck of a thousand rabbit’s feet, your pockets heavy with horse shoes, and your hands green from all the four leaf clovers you clutch. You have to have a spider web of strings you can pull on. You have to have a group of people holding you above their heads, pushing you into the limelight.

And after trying our hardest, when we don’t get any kind of reward, we sit back and quietly cry, and then toughen up and tell ourselves that well, we were just not good enough, and so we try harder. And every time the same thing happens and we feel like giving up because having our hopes and spirits broken time and time again is tiring. But it’s our own fault. We were dumb enough to believe. And then we really feel like giving up but a part of us still says, no, you’ve still got to try. And try we do.

But this time with the jaded, disillusioned realisation that,

The world can never guarantee us anything.

But Allah can, and does.

p/s: I’m not usually this rant-y. Sorry about this. I have much to be thankful for, I know. I could be getting this all wrong as well. Happier posts are on the way!

note to self:

Just found out that my old Arabic teacher from high school passed away yesterday in a car crash in Sudan. Tr. El-Fateh was definitely one of the nicest and funniest teachers I ever had. Even the way he carried himself was light and limber. I remember getting into all sorts of laughing fits in his Arabic class as me and Zah would write the most absurd Arabic essays (one I distinctly remember was one about going to the moon to get cheese) but Tr. Fateh always laughed along with us, encouragingly. The 2 years I studied Arabic with him was when I picked up most of my Arabic. More than the 5 years I spent in Al-Amin. So much more. He also taught me geography, and I remember learning about Burkina Faso, at the time it was the first time I had heard of this country. He was so approachable too, you’d never be afraid to just walk into his office and have a chat, or use his office phone, or just sit down. And if he met you in the hallways outside of class, there was this one phrase he used to say that was hilarious. He you’d say Ya girls! “ya” as in “wahai” in Arabic. but the way he pronounced girls, it became a 2-syllable word, ge-rels.

He was a teacher to some, neighbor to many, vice-principal to the school, and friend to all. Teachers, and humans like him are rare to find, and his parting is a loss to the world, but Insha’Allah he is in a better place.

May Allah forgive his sins, bestow his mercy upon his soul and grant him the highest paradise, Jannatul el firdaus. Our prayers are with him and his family.

Al-Fatihah

After ages and ages my long awaited trip to Singapore finally happened! A lot of people (read: mom) have asked me, why Singapore?? Well the short answer is that it’s the nearest faraway place, nearest different country. Also, the last time I was there I didn’t get to do much at all, being only there for a day and a half. For the most part, I was busy with work so coordinating and planning the trip wasn’t the easiest thing to do.

Thursday night after work I rushed home and got my stuff together coz our train was at 11 pm from KL central. This was the first time I’d taken the KTM train somewhere far away, and I was super excited. Something about travelling by rail is very…romantic? No that’s not the word. Or maybe it is. Romanticism for the past maybe? Anyways, we all got top bunks, which were more cramped than the bottom ones but had more privacy. Me and Ilham were extra giddy and excited hehe. Ayesha, ever the seasoned traveller, was pretty chill. The bunk across from mine was inhabited by this guy who studied in NTU if I remember correctly. He was weird but nice I suppose. He kept asking the German couple below us random and utterly hilarious questions. The journey was okay, slept for the most part. I thought I would have trouble sleeping at first since the train wasn’t exactly smooth as silk or in any way quiet, but once I pulled up the blanket I fell asleep almost instantly. Old trick. OH! I mentioned how our train was at 11, well in reality it got delayed twice so we ended up boarding at around 11.45. That messed up our itinerary a bit. Arrived at the JB customs at around subuh and at woodlands at just before 8. The funny NTU guy lead us out of the gorgeous KTM station (soon to be torn down if the grapevine speaks true. It also smelled a bit too much of piss. But the architecture was stunning) walked for about 10 minutes through the streets of Singapore to the nearest MRT station, and then rode all the way out to Tampines where we were staying throughout our 4 day 3 night stay.
Rushed back out and made it to Chinatown by noon, where we met up with the lovely Hamimah. On the first day we ended up going to Chinatown, little India, orchard road (where we met up with Sarah, Ayesha’s cousin and whose room we were invading :P) and later at night Arab street/kampong glam for dinner where we met up with Amine, Sara’s sister with the super adorable hair and who has perfected the puss in boots wide eyed look haha!

On the first day I managed to make some field notes, very sparse ones mind you.
Finally got a move on at 11.45. Trying to go to sleep but it’s noisy + bumpy. Should bring earplugs next time. Revolution stuck in my head. Compartment buddies. German architect? First song in Singapore – elite – tamparan wanita hahahah! Courteous ppl. Neighbourhood was lively and active. A lot more old people on the move and outside, out and about. Big landed properties. Urban planning. Birds here don’t poop? Fun on Arab Street. Food and atmosphere of kampong glam at night. Orchard road architecture. Ice cream. Authentic little India. Most walking I’ve done in 6 months or more.
The subsequent days I was too busy and tired to make notes! Will try to remember all the best and interesting parts though hehe

—
Day 2
UNIVERSAL STUDIOS!!!!!! Weeehooo! Okay first a confession. I couldn’t help but compare everything to Disneyland. Of course, that’s not at all fair. But I was still very the excited about USS. We got there about half an hour before the gates opened and even then there was already a large crowd there. One bummer was that the largest and wildest ride wasn’t open yet, and one other ride was under maintenance. Also, it rained in the afternoon. Pretty heavily, but thankfully I had bought a poncho for the water world show so I put that on. My feet and most of my legs were still soaked, but it was fun, can’t remember the last time I splashed around in the rain 😀 we also took advantage of the rain to ride the hell out of one of the indoor rides, the one we lined up about 40 minutes for before as a group, but on our subsequent rides we all went solo and had fun making faces at the camera. Actually, the lost world was one of the best parts of the theme park. One thing about USS is that they constantly have people in costumes walking around for photo-ops so we harassed a hunky pharaoh and his jealous Cleopatra-like lady. And then Aminah went all vixen on a pair of Anubis or Seth-like creatures on power stilts. That was a lot of fun haha! Wish we captured their exchange on video but we didn’t :/ some of the shows that we went to were a lot of fun, like the Donkey live show, but there was one in particular that was just WHAAT. So not the way I pictured my first “rock” concert ahah. We planned to go zip-lining after USS but because of the rain we couldn’t. Waited the rain out a bit and then went up to imbiah lookout point for the luge. So much fun! Wheeee~!! Can’t say the same for the skylift back up the hill. We thought it would be a little lift up but it was quite high up and with no harness/restraints keeping us from tumbling down. A very nerve wracking ascend. Never knew I was giddy about unprotected heights. Oh wait. Yes I did :p definitely didn’t feel like jumping this time.
Wanted to wait for the 9.30 fireworks over USS so we stayed up at imbiah lookout and played a spot of truth or dare, for lack of better things to do. The dares had me in stitches!!! Aminah was such a sport and definite cheerleader material 😀 poor coffee bean workers. Getting harassed by us. In the end the fireworks went off but behind a building so all we could see was smoke =.=
Got home super spent.

—
Day 3
the plan for day three was Singapore River and surroundings, science centre, and night safari. We did manage to go do all three but didn’t get to spend as much time as I would have liked on the first two. We did do quite a bit though. Visited a burhani mosque near city hall for zuhr, to the disappointment of some there was no one inside to observe. The science centre was extremely fun, sadly only got an hour or so to play around with the exhibits, so we were running around like mad children trying to do see hear touch everything! Fun fun times. Definitely must go back there and go through all the sections more thoroughly.
Night safari was also a lot of fun. The animals were alert, alive, and very close-up. Our tram guide person had a very exotic way of saying babi rusa 😛 by stroke of luck we were allowed to bypass some people and get onto an earlier tram, so when we finished the tram ride we got off and rushed to the animal show place. When we got there the sign said it was full but we hung around and they managed to let us in. Yay!!

—
Day 4
by day 4 I was pretty much broke. But we wanted to check out some shopping so we headed over to bugis. Tried on these amazing trousers from topshop and had a good hearty laugh over the price. Crossed over to Bugis Street, which was almost exactly like Petaling Street or Times Square, so didn’t buy anything. Shopping usually gives me a headache, especially in places that are super crowded. Ilham wasn’t feeling too swell either so we ended up just having lunch at pastamania and talking in hushed tones about our opinion of what Singapore really is. Headed back to Novena to board the bus, but whaddaya know, we couldn’t find our bus tickets! Panic! Scramble and rummage through all our bags. No luck. Thank god we had only bought our tix earlier that morning so the lady had it in their records kot, so we managed to get on the bus and waved ta-ta to Singapore….

—

This was written a while back but never got around to publishing it. My overall impression of Singapore is that it’s a very orderly city, everything works efficiently and smoothly and almost perfectly. Its clean and modern and full of people. Its bigger than I expected, meaning that there is actually distance and length of time for getting places ahaha! I was impressed that cars will stop for you at zebra crossings, which pretty much never happens in Malaysia. It’s a very impressive little country. Nevertheless, in the four days that I was there, I felt like there was something terribly off about the country. Something wrong. Something incredibly odd. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s the people and how they are so uniform in mindset? Individuality is very different here, somehow. I still don’t know what exactly what is weirdly offish. But I’m glad to be back. Malaysia, with all its flaws and grit and issues, is still a pretty great place to be, Alhamdulillah 🙂

If only my sense of direction in life were as good as my sense of direction on the road

Then I’d be all set.

I was thinking about this yesterday on the way back from work in my (dad’s) car. On the road, I don’t mind getting lost, taking wrong turns, making those kinds of mistakes, because to me, it’s just a matter of knowing your bearings, where you came from and where you want to go. And anyways, if you take a wrong turn there’s bound to be somewhere you can make an illegal u-turn up ahead and get back on track. Now how do I apply that principle to life?? I know where I come from, yes. I also know where I’m headed or rather where I want to go, generally. But how do I get there? Life doesn’t come with a gps device, a mapbook, or google earth. Or maybe I just haven’t been looking in the right places? When im lost on the road, on the rare occurrence that it does happen, it’s my general directional compass that comes to the rescue. That, and my past experiences. Also instinct. When I was a little girl I loved car rides and whenever I wasn’t falling asleep I was gazing out the window. I guess that helped kot. But even before that, I still remember the route I used to take walking to kindergarten, the route my bus took in first and second grade. Point is, roads are great. They are easy for me. Cant say the same for life, although that said, I don’t think its meant to be easy. Ive had a VERY blessed life Alhamdulillah. I’m digressing.

I don’t like making mistakes. I think, im scared of making mistakes because I would be letting myself and other people down. And because of this I don’t take risks. I think I have to keep reminding myself that, like on the road, mistakes aren’t generally the end of the world, and are in fact quite necessary to be able to build up a more comprehensive map of the world/life.

In 9th grade I was faced with a decision – what electives do I want to take? Out of the 8 subjects we were allowed 3 electives. I had already taken Japanese and art in my first semester, and for my second semester I was torn between IT and carpentry. I was really interested in both. Hem. Haw. Mull. I checked out the computer labs and the woodshop. I considered asking advice from my guidance counsellor, in the end I ended up asking my mom. (Basically the same thing) At the start of my school year I had already registered IT as my third elective but the more I thought about it, the more I felt myself leaning towards carpentry. I figured, I can learn IT by myself, all I need is a computer at the very least. Why pass up the opportunity to work in a fully equipped woodshop? So a few days before the closing of the course change petition closed, I submitted my request to change from IT to carpentry. And im glad I did, because I loved it! And some friends of mine who took IT confessed that it was actually pretty boring.

In 10th grade my toss up was between history and physics. Again, I loved both. This time I don’t know what made me go with history. But im glad I did because I had a great teacher and our class was just 3 people. Teacher included. So a lot of the classes were spent watching movies like Schindlers list. And then in A-Levels I decided to not tae history because that would’ve been too heavy and my teacher pun left the school. Instead I switched to physics and I was worried that I might not be able to cope since I didn’t take O-Level physics so I sat in the O-Level physics classes when I could and the teacher who taught Olevels was the same teacher who taught A-Levels so that was good. And he was an awesome teacher too. Come to think of it, all my physics teachers were pretty great. In high school that is. UIA lain cerita.

Point of this blogpost? None really. Just bored. Also, its time to choose.

On the way to work today I glanced at my neighbour’s house where there was a long rainwater downpipe which was supposed to be attached to the gutter at the roof but this down pipe was not really fully attached and so I thought they should put a funnel there so the water flows down the downpipe and doesn’t just splash around. And then I got to thinking how a funnel wouldn’t really help if the rainfall is really heavy since the downpipe was kinda small in diameter and then I got to thinking about hydrodynamics and the people who study them and that lead me to think about the people who study hydrodynamics to make artificial white water rafting courses and I thought, they have to study the stuff *under* the water since that’s what makes the water churn and undulate and all and I thought that’s difficult, its not like they can just hold up the river and scan the riverbed and then I thought of damming rivers and that made me think of beavers and how they dam up rivers to make their homes and I remembered a book I used to read as a kid about beavers and their dams and how they build the entrances to their homes underwater so only they can get it but inside their home is dry and my mind flashed to Narnia where I don’t recall the Pevensies having to take a plunge into icy water to enter the beavers den. Then I started thinking about beavers and drawing them and how some people draw beavers tails with cross hatchings on it even though they don’t actually have lines crisscrossing their tails and after that I thought to myself, hmm, I haven’t thought about beavers in a long time, and come to think of it, I haven’t thought about Canadian animals in a long time too so I made a list of Canadian animals I used to think about and that list included beavers, moose, killer whales, narwhals and polar bears and just as I was thinking this a black myvi was driving towards me and I thought, it kinda looks like a killer whale and then I had to get out of the way coz I didn’t wanna get hit by that killer whale myvi and then I remembered the three not so nice dreams I had last night one of which involved a car accident and the other ones were about missing an exam and slapping someone and I didn’t want to remember them so I stopped thinking about them and thought instead of how I had gotten to thinking about Canadian animals in the first place, which made me retrace my thoughts and remember this whole story and so I wrote it down and now you’re reading it.

The end.

My rhyme ain’t good just yet,
My brain and tongue just met,
And they ain’t friends, so far,
My words don’t travel far,
They tangle in my hair,
And tend to go nowhere,
They grow right back inside,
Right past my brain and eyes
Into my stomach juice
Where they don’t serve much use,
No healthy calories,
Nutrition values.
And I absorb back in
The words right through my skin
They sit there festering inside my bowels
The consonants and vowels
The consequence of sounds
The consonants and vowels
The consequence of sounds
Got a soundtrack in my mind,
All the time. Kids-
Screamin’ from too much beat up
And they don’t even rhyme,
They just stand there, on a street corner,
Skin tucked in
And meat side out and shot,
And I’d like to turn them down
But there ain’t no knob.
Run into picket fences
Not into picket lines.
All this hippie-shit for the 60’s
And another cliche for our time. But,
But a one of these days your heart
Will just stop ticking,
And they sorta just don’t find you till your cubicle is reeking.
The consonants and vowels
The consequence of sounds
The consonants and vowels
The consequence of sounds
Ahh ah ah ah ahh ah ah ah
Did you know that the gravedigger’s still
Gettin’ stuck in the machine
Even though it’s a whole other daydream.
It’s another town it’s another world,
Where the kids are asleep, where the loans are paid
And the lawns are mowed.
Whad’ya think?
All the gravediggers were gone?
Just cause one song is done
There’s always another one,
Waiting right around the bend,
Till this one ends,
Then it begins sqeaky clean,
Then it starts all over again.
The weather report keeps on
Tossing and turning,
Predicting and warning,
And warning and warning of,
Possibly it could be news publications and,
Possibly it could be news TV stations. That
Very same morning right next to her coffee
She noticed some bleeding and heard hollow coughing and
National Geographic was being too graphic,
When all she had wanted to know was the traffic
The worlds got a nosebleed it said
And were flooding but we keep on cutting
The trees and the forests!
And we keep on paying those freaks on the TV,
Who claim they will save us but want to enslave us.
And sweating like demons they scream through our speakers
But we leave the sound on ’cause silence is harder.
And no ones the killer and no ones the martyr
The world that has made us can no longer contain us
And profits are silent then rotting away ’cause
The consonants and vowels
The consequence of sounds.
The consonants and vowels
The consequence of sounds.
Ah ah ah
My rhyme ain’t good just yet,
My brain and tongue just met,
And they aint friends, so far,
My words don’t travel far,
They tangle in my hair,
And tend to go nowhere,
They grow right back inside,
Right past my brain and eyes
Into my stomach juice
Where they don’t serve much use,
No healthy calories,
Nutrition values.
And I absorb back in
The words right through my skin
They sit there festering inside my bowels
The consonants and vowels
The consequence of sounds
The consonants and vowels
The consequence of sounds

was at work today, and during my bouts of sleepiness I was caught thinking, why am I here? I got up, walked to the bathroom, and washed my face. Earlier, I had been feeling quite down, this project I’m working on is daunting and my co-worker who started it but passed it on to me is a super duper awesome designer. How am I supposed to carry that same awesomeness throughout the rest of the project? Standing in front of the mirror, my robot brain started taking over. Breaking down the task into manageable little chunks. (Warning. Monologue ahead)

Robot: Maryam, stop being so down and start doing something. See? All you have to do is this and this and this. YOU CAN DO IT.
Maryam: hmm…ok…Yeah… I CAN do it!

And then,

Small unidentified part of brain/heart: but do I WANT to do it?

Which led me to thinking about some stuff. I suppose it stems from the fact that my sister and KAED friends are all just about done with their exams, and there’s a certain calming finality in having a set end period. With work, you just go on and on and on. There are no term/semester breaks, no skipping classes, no lazing about. Work is work and at work you do work. Whenever I meet my boss in his office, I always think. He’s so good at what he does. I don’t think I can do this. I’m not so detail conscious, not a mastermind planner, not particularly capable of handling sensitive/difficult persons and situations, neither am I one to be a “boss” over a group of people, be it clients, contractors, consultants, or my own staff.

I don’t have any answers yet, and I’m still trying to figure out what my goal in life is. I mean, I have a general goal, which consists of me being happy and feeling fulfilled and learning and improving myself, but how do I get there? Maybe that’s just it though…you can’t really have motivation unless you have a goal, right? one to set your sights on and with that in mind, drive yourself over all those bumps, potholes, twists and turns, anyway you can to get to that goal. Maybe?

ast night Muhsin, Ummi and I were having dinner. afterward Ummi was snacking on a plum and the subject of nursery rhymes came up. Personally, I LOVE nursery rhymes, and I still remember most of them Such pleasant memories. So I decided to quiz Muhsin. Suffice to say Ummi and I were left in stitches. Enjoy.

“Jack & Jill”

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
to get some water.
(pause)
Someone fell down.

“Humpty Dumpty”

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
(long pause)
All the kings came,
And tried to put him back on the wall