The mysterious land of tears

written on the 25th of June 2011

Yesterday night i watched Pheobe in wonderland, thinking it was going to be a happy and whimsical movie. It wasnt. not to say it wasn’t good, but i cried a lot watching it. A lot of emotion in that one, or stuff that i could somehow relate to. There was a scene where Pheobe’s mother goes on this outburst. i didnt cry at that part but it was startling how much i could relate to her. not what she was saying, because a lot of it was about motherhood, but how she was feeling. because she’d feel something and that would cause a domino effect of contradicting feelings. And thats what i go through a lot. Another thing is that elle fanning is very very talented. its a good movie, not excellent, but subtle. if you have the chance you must watch it

I remember watching an episode of glee, and crying at one scene. it sounds silly even as i say it but it was the scene where Artie and Brittany broke up. I cried because of what artie said, and then because of what he called brittany. but mostly it was what he said, about not being able to handle not being her everything.

one of our kittens died last week, oreo. i found out as i was leaving the house to go watch super 8. we came home and buried it under a palm tree in front of our house, next to mocha’s grave. All our other cats attended the funeral and were meowing. it broke my heart again. today i found out that cookie died, from my brother’s tweet. i cried. and then i went and asked muhsin if he already buried her, and he said, yea, he buried her and poodle. and i couldnt take it. i cried some more. and i could tell muhsin had been crying as well and it broke my heart. he was the one who nursed the kittens, brought them to the vet, fed them and cared for them the most. and on his birthday, two of his little babies pass away. :'(

its sadder than when mocha died because mocha got hit by a car, there was nothing we couldve done to prevent that, except lock him up, but that would be cruel. but for the kitties, we were all so busy so we couldnt care for them as well as we should have, they were sick, and quite thin. we didnt do enough for them. we didnt love them enough. we failed. I failed. and it breaks my heart that the cats have to stay outside because i can tell they miss us, and they want to be petted and hugged like they used to. but they arent.

I can’t stand not being enough. I hate being a dissapointment.

sometimes i repeat a phrase over and over in my head and sometimes i even mumble them quietly. today i spent a whole 5 minutes saying “toomuchdeathtoomuchdeathtoomuchdeathtoomuchdeathtoomuchdeathtoomuchdeath”
and sometimes my reflections talk to me. well its really just my head but today all the mirrors told me “you’re not good enough. just not good enough”

—

I’m thawing out slowly, but sometimes i forget that feelings come in all sorts of shapes and sizes and forms. but the Happy more than makes up for the sad.