What motivates you?

was at work today, and during my bouts of sleepiness I was caught thinking, why am I here? I got up, walked to the bathroom, and washed my face. Earlier, I had been feeling quite down, this project I’m working on is daunting and my co-worker who started it but passed it on to me is a super duper awesome designer. How am I supposed to carry that same awesomeness throughout the rest of the project? Standing in front of the mirror, my robot brain started taking over. Breaking down the task into manageable little chunks. (Warning. Monologue ahead)

Robot: Maryam, stop being so down and start doing something. See? All you have to do is this and this and this. YOU CAN DO IT.
Maryam: hmm…ok…Yeah… I CAN do it!

And then,

Small unidentified part of brain/heart: but do I WANT to do it?

Which led me to thinking about some stuff. I suppose it stems from the fact that my sister and KAED friends are all just about done with their exams, and there’s a certain calming finality in having a set end period. With work, you just go on and on and on. There are no term/semester breaks, no skipping classes, no lazing about. Work is work and at work you do work. Whenever I meet my boss in his office, I always think. He’s so good at what he does. I don’t think I can do this. I’m not so detail conscious, not a mastermind planner, not particularly capable of handling sensitive/difficult persons and situations, neither am I one to be a “boss” over a group of people, be it clients, contractors, consultants, or my own staff.

I don’t have any answers yet, and I’m still trying to figure out what my goal in life is. I mean, I have a general goal, which consists of me being happy and feeling fulfilled and learning and improving myself, but how do I get there? Maybe that’s just it though…you can’t really have motivation unless you have a goal, right? one to set your sights on and with that in mind, drive yourself over all those bumps, potholes, twists and turns, anyway you can to get to that goal. Maybe?