“Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live”
Bug
There’s a bug that’s been blazing a trail through the third year architecture students, or at least, my studio. And like a Californian wildfire, or an Australian bushfire, very little and very few are spared its effects. Everybody’s buzzing about it, talk and gossip, gossip and talk. Exchange of information, spilling of secrets long kept and verification of doubts long cast. Opinions put forth, emotions expressed, people get worked up and stressed.
This bug. It makes you bipolar, it makes everyone an expert and puts everyone under scrutiny.
This bug. What do you do about it?
Let go
Emotions – how much are you supposed to show, how much are supposed to hide?
Strength – when lashing out shows weakness, and mistrust breeds contempt
Time – how long is too long, how short is too short
Freedom – how do you define it and what are you ever free from
Thoughts – they change so do you blurt out all your rash thoughts or keep them brewing
Space – when too close for comfort is too big a space for some
Mood – can you detect it, can you ignore it
Simplicity – wouldn’t you want to uncomplicate your relationships? wouldn’t you want to be happy?
Burden – does anyone want to be one? do you consciously remind yourself not to be?
Talk – most times its better to say nothing at all. a lot of times, its all lost in translation.
Mmm, are you in or are you out
Leave your things behind
’cause it’s all going off without you
Excuse me, too busy you’re writing your tragedy
These mishaps
You bubble wrap
When you’ve no idea what you’re like
So let go, jump in
Oh well, whatcha waiting for
It’s alright
’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
So let go, just get in
Oh, it’s so amazing here
It’s alright
’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
It gains the more it gives
And then it rises with the fall
So hand me that remote
Can’t you see that all that stuff’s a sideshow
Such boundless pleasure
We’ve no time for later now
You can’t await your own arrival
You’ve 20 seconds to comply
So let go, jump in
Oh well, whatcha waiting for
It’s alright
’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
So let go, just get in
Oh, it’s so amazing here
It’s alright
’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
So let go, jump in
Oh well, whatcha waiting for
It’s alright
’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
So let go, just get in
Oh, it’s so amazing here
It’s alright
’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
Trust
The holidays are finally here, after a grueling semester that for some has not even finished yet. This semester, I’ve gone out on the proverbial limb and trusted people for the first time in a very long time. I suppose it started from the second semester in my 2nd year, where I settled into the studio groove more (due, in part, to working drawing), or maybe during the short semester, where I had multi-disciplinary project with my juniors. It out me in a new situation where I didn’t know anyone but I didn’t feel intimidated by them as much as I felt intimidated by my own batch back when I was a freshie. I don’t know where this new found ability to trust came from. Maybe it was the long hours we spent cooped up in the same space, maybe it was the long conversations, the observations, being comfortable in their presence. Maybe, architecture students just tend to do that more. I don’t know. But it seems logical. After all, we see the best and the worst in people here, in all stages of their daily life, from looking like hell to looking sharp, moody to elation, etc etc. we’re there morning, day, and night, hours and hours on end, through thick and thin. Maybe that’s where trust stems from. I would never have imagined ever telling anybody anything remotely private. Noncommittal ambiguity was my modus operandi. But people are curious beings, and people look for comfort in others. And I can see the difference, or rather, I can feel the difference. I was quite uptight in my first year, scared, cautious, distanced, and really quite alone. Now I think I’m a lot more relaxed. But I don’t know if that’s an entirely good thing. After all, limits are limits and trust is easily destroyed. It’s hard for me to trust people just because I’m afraid they’d break my trust. I don’t know. I just hope I’ve trusted the right people. Wallahualam.

Hello. Goodbye.

Think
It’s hard to please everybody but its even harder to please yourself, especially when you don’t know who you are, what you want, and where you’re going.

MO @ MO
Malaysian Open at Mandarin Oriental
(Just a warning: this is a departure from my rather abstract posts of late)
Just by luck I was shifted from the info n booth department (blah) to the Hotel and hospitality department (^.^)/
It’s not that tiring, we get quite a few perks. Comfortable environment (second home remember :P) and the opportunity to observe how the tennis players interact and stuff. Some of the things they do are just hilarious. hard to explain why, but they just are. It’s a good hard look behind the scenes. There weren’t that many fans, only one fan actually stayed the whole day in the lobby. But MO are really nice about it so far, anyway he’s not causing any trouble and is a very quiet Japanese (I think) man. We assumed he was a Hewitt fan since he was wearing the same necklace as Hewitt, so whenever i pass him i ask if he’s gotten anyone’s autograph. I think today he managed to get quite a few. Most of the players are nice enough; at least none are rude or really unfriendly.
New Semester
New semester is supposed to bring new hope, the brightness of your whole future ahead of you, a fresh page and a new leaf. Determination to make today better than yesterday, this semester, better than the last. But panic seizes up inside of me. I realize I’m now a third year student, a final year student, one that will, insha’Allah, be a graduate by this time next year. I’m not ready for this. After all, what do I know? I’m suddenly a senior that needs to dish out advice to my juniors if they come asking. I’m supposed to have a degree of surety in whatever i have been taught. University life seems so short. I have not accomplished anything worth shouting about, and I’m definitely not armed for the reality of the outside world. My life, as always has been the protected, sheltered one. One that, you could say, was on the easy rote. Family always never more than a few minutes away. Environment, familiar, as were the faces.
I’m hoping it might just be new semester jitters, but I’ve been in an abysmal mood since the first day.
Sigh.
One of my seniors said, as an architect, you can’t just wait around for things to happen. You have to be ahead of the crowd, you have to know your strengths and not be shy about telling people what you’re good at. I don’t think I could ever do that. The thing I hate most to do is to be an imposition on anyone. I don’t want to be putting anyone on the spot. Which is why I don’t ask the questions that really bug me, even if they eat me up inside. But I digress.
Cheer up, Maryam! C’mon…
Food for thought
Today I joined my friends Nadiah and Ilham as volunteer tour guides for Masjid Negara, under the Islamic Outreach program. It was my first time and I was really just supposed to observe how my friend did it and what she said. But as it turned out, Masjid Negara was swarmed with tourists that day and there weren’t enough volunteers around. So Ilham and I decided to give it a shot, even though at first you could tell from our faces we were terrified! The first couple we approached was this Indian couple, who weren’t Muslims, but they still sat down in front of the main prayer hall and bowed their heads, I assume paying their respects like they would at a temple. But they were in a hurry so we didn’t get out our full arsenal of information, just the parts that we remembered. But it was enough to get us warmed up, get our juices flowing.
I talked to some American ladies afterwards, a grandmother, her daughter, and her cute baby grandson. Her daughter’s husband works in KL so she was visiting them and her grandson. It was really fun explaining to them about Masjid Negara, it was like I was putting all that stuff I learnt in architecture to good use. And they were really very nice and friendly, and interested in what I was telling them they even asked some questions about prayer, hijab, etc. they even wanted to take a picture of me! 😛
Later on we were asked to give guided tours of the mosque so at first all three of us showed two Australian ladies around, but later we broke up into 3 groups, Nadiah taking the Aussies, Ilham had a French guy and an Indian lady, and I took an Italian couple from rome. They didn’t seem too engaged though, maybe because of my own lack of enthusiasm and maybe because they weren’t that well versed in English. But the lady asked some questions, but knowing that I had done a less than satisfactory job I handed them over to a senior uncle who took over. But what was weird was that the uncle seemed a little unsatisfied that we were allowed to give tours since we weren’t properly trained yet. He seemed really peeved. *shrug*
It was a really enlightening experience, and good for me because it meant I had to think on my feet and sharpen up on my knowledge about not only Masjid Negara, but about Islam and Malaysia as well. Time to get studying…Hoping I can continue doing this throughout the semester and beyond, but we’ll have to be properly trained first. Anyone interested can contact me for more details. Training will be sometime in early August.
Later on we prayed Maghrib at Masjid Jamek Kampung Baru. I haven’t been there in the longest time, and it was nice to see all the familiar small lanes and alleys that I used to visit as a child. We then ate at this really nice thai place called… okay cant remember the name but it started with an “S” and ended with a “vit” food was good and decently priced, ambience was commendable and service was quick. Only thing that ruined our dinner was this creepy guy who asked us for money. Really freaked us out that we left. o_O
I love my friends. Whenever we get together we always talk about really interesting topics. Okay, they talk, and I listen while offering my thoughts here and there. But its always fun nonetheless.
What I’ve been up to lately
Well, most recently I went on a long overdue family vacation, but not anywhere far away. We were planning on going to either Penang or Terengganu, but the hotels in Penang were fully booked and the one in Terengganu was not available. So in the end we drove a little bit down south, to port Dickson. It should’ve taken an hour and a half but my dad took a really weird route through PJ/Kelana Kaya/KL making a huge loop before eventually joining the highway. Our hotel was nice, if you can call it that. I mean, the room part was nice, but the bathroom was really strange. The room space planning was a total fail! Imagine opening the door and seeing a huge bathtub on one side and a sink on the other side of the entrance. Entirely odd.
The surrounding area was industrial, we had a Sime Darby Energy plant or something in front of us and a coal burning station a few kilometers away (it was beautiful! Seriously, ask my sister. I was oooh-ing and aaah-ing all the way)
We also headed a bit further south to Melaka for a daytrip, where we did all the normal touristy stuff plus a spot of bowling ngehehe;p We only went to the beach right before leaving PD, for about 45 minutes or so. Not even enough to get sufficiently tanned, not that I need any help with that!
Further back, a reflection of my 3rd semester. I only took Arabic and Integrated MultiDisciplinary Project, both, as it turned out, entirely enjoyable subjects. Arabic was tedious but my classmates were really cool and friendly, and our teacher who always looked sleepy in class was also funny, in his own weird way.
Now integrated MultiDisciplinary Project – I had to explain to my non-kaed friends time and time again about the whole “office” thing. Basically, all the different Majors in Kaed (except URP, so that means its architecture, Applied Arts, Landscape, and Quantity Surveying) join up and we’re divided into groups, and we set up “architecture firms” or rather, “design firms” with the team comprising of all four disciplines (thus the course name) We’re given classrooms that serve as our office for the whole semester, and even though officially the course is Mondays and Fridays the whole day, we end up spending almost every waking (and sometimes sleeping) hours there as well.
My group , Basis Consultants, was based in TR10, where, according to my friends, had a great history of producing winning teams. Oh yeah – another aspect I forgot to mention, the firms are given projects (1 for each section) and we compete to be the winners of the project. Something lilke that. So anyways, our project was to design a book café, and we took it by the horns and churned out a design that eventually allowed us to take first place. Yeah!! (See previous post)
Made a lot of new friends last semester, friends that I will definitely miss, or rather, am already missing.
—
Now it’s the holidays, and I’m thinking of what to do. Chores, of course, but what else? I need to get my license, but junky decided he doesn’t want to start so I cant practice on him, and since it’s the semester break I don’t know if there are still people who rent out their cars on campus. Anyone know?
Pumpkin pie, anyone?
Imagine you have a small, and I mean really small, piece of your favourite pie. And you have so many people to share it with. First there’s your family, after all, blood runs thicker than water right? And you have an obligation to your family that you sometimes ignore but it exists nonetheless. they made the pie, so they should get the biggest piece, right?
Then there’s your longtime friends, yeah, the ones who have been with you through the years through thick and thin and understand each other’s limitations, faults and weaknesses and accept you for who you are. You see them rarely, but when you do, you have the finest of times. If anyone, you’d want to share that pie with them the most.
Not forgetting, of course, the friends you met along the way. You rarely see them too, but you value their different point of view, their exuberance, and their general joie de vivre. In the haze that surrounds you, they are like a breath of much needed fresh air. A piece of your pie surely belongs to them, too.
Then you have your other friends, the people who’ve been through all that you’ve been through and even if you weren’t closest buddies, you’re still pretty tight, after all, you see each other almost every day. They deserve a bit of the pie too, don’t you think?
And then imagine, you have not just these four sets of people in your life. Oh no. you’ve moved around so much and gathered so many friends and acquaintances that you can’t walk 100 meters without bumping into someone you know, who usually, also wants a piece of your pie.
Now imagine that pie is yourself. And in your effort to share, everyone just gets crumbs, and you crumble in the process.
The Basis of a good semester is..
23 awesome group mates, happy times, selamba dan rileks, TR10 the isolated little room away from the hectic-ness of the elevator alley, constant flow of visitors due to our open door policy and superb printing services, determination, hard work, a degree of oblivion, a super messy office floor, a rainbow of personalities..
All add up to a winning team! Go Basis!!
Thanks for the great memories! Missing all of you already huhu..
Basis – The Journey
Fragments of a distracted mind
multi disciplinary project this semester.
lost.
yeah, i remember the other reasons I wanted to take AQS1301 now and not then.
—-
Maybe its the warmer climate
Tell me if I’m going crazy
But everything you said amazed me
Seems to easy on the ear to
Be something I should adhere to
—-
played squash again today. wasn’t as tiring as the first time. another item to add to my long wishlist – a squash racquet.
—-
plucking flowers. plucking flower petals.
Up, down, higher higher, and falling, faster, deeper, and landing harder
a cat chasing its tail, while pawing at a mouse
that secret, bubbling and boiling, bursting and finding its way out
glorious in its invisibility, yet torturous in its supression
speculations and doubts, casting those fishing lines, numerous, and each one baited with a piece of yourself
until there’s not much left for everyone else
—-
YES
—
Read The Life of Pi, and loved it. Especially Chapter 56.
(The Life of Pi by Yann Martel is available in the light reading area of IIUM Library)
-56-
I must say a word about fear. It is life’s only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unerring ease. It begins in your mind, always. One moment you are feeling calm, self-possessed, happy. Then fear, disguised in the garb of mild-mannered doubt, slips into your mind like a spy. Doubt meets disbelief and disbelief tries to push it out. But disbelief is a poorly armed foot soldier. Doubt does away with it with little trouble. You become anxious. Reason comes to do battle for you. You are reassured. Reason is fully equipped with the latest weapons technology. But, to your amazement, despite superior tactics and a number of undeniable victories, reason is laid low. You feel yourself weakening, wavering. Your anxiety becomes dread.
Fear next turns fully to your body, which is already aware that something terribly wrong is going on. Already your lungs have flown away like a bird and your guts have slithered away like a snake. Now your tongue drops dead like an opossum, while your jaw begins to gallop on the spot. Your ears go deaf. Your muscles begin to shiver as if they had malaria and your knees to shake as though they were dancing. Your heart strains too hard, while your sphincter relaxes too much. And so with the rest of your body. Every part of you, in the manner most suited to it, falls apart. Only your eyes work well. They always pay proper attention to fear.
Quickly you make rash decisions. You dismiss your last allies: hope and trust. There, you’ve defeated yourself. Fear, which is but an impression, has triumphed over you.
The matter is difficult to put into words. For fear, real fear, such as shakes you to your foundation, such as you feel when you are brought face to face with your mortal end, nestles in your memory like a gangrene: it seeks to rot everything, even the words with which to speak of it. So you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don’t, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you.
—-
am i standing still
beneath the darkening sky
or am i standing still
with the scenery flying by
or am i standing still
and at the corner of my eye
was that you
passing me by
sweet sorrow is the call tomorrow
—
my allusions are deeper than what i publish, for some reason, its the things i don’t say that mean more and are what i really want to say. hmm.
Recapitulation
My previous post wasn’t entirely accurate. Some things just can’t be put into words, or at least, I don’t know how. And I realized that happiness is much harder to describe than sadness! I want to wax lyrical about something but it would never be enough, never perfectly capture what I’m feeling. And that’s why this blog has been relatively barren, except for the odd poetry here n there.
That’s another thing. When structured words and paragraphs won’t do, I resort to abstracting my emotions through a jumble of amateur verses. Because in poetry, the meaning of what I’m saying is not finite, you can understand it the million subtle ways I intend you to, or make up your own mind. It gives quantifiable words to what I’m feeling without limiting their scope of inclusion. but at the same time, I’m not sure how long the happiness will last, because its not guaranteed that the happiness is really yours to keep, and because after a high you can only fall down low right? And now I am rambling again.
The holidays are fast coming to a close and the new daunting semester awaits. So lets do a quick recap on last sem and the holidays, shall we?
Things that made me happy
– making new friends – inside and outside campus
– traveling, near and far, road trips, visits, and car rides in general 🙂
– finding my voice 😀
– conversations
– food!
– Nature – water, land, and most of all, the sky and its beautiful alluring contents
– Discovering connections and similarities, accepting differences
– Outings, outings and more outings with friends, friends and more friends
– Increased confidence and social-ness (that isnt a word, is it?)
– Kitty!
– Music, everywhere
Things that weren’t so happy
– workload = stress
– the absurd number of sleepless nights
– my grades
– my increased dependence on others for so many things, emotional, spiritual, mental, financial, educational, you name it.
– losing touch with some of my old friends
– my lowered standards especially in academics. Hate myself for that
– less time spent at home
– the things in me I still haven’t changed
The Pursuit of Happiness
You wake up in the morning, or at whatever time you do,
And stumble out of bed wondering what the day will bring to you.
”I will survive!” you sing aloud, as you check up on your peers,
The snippets of their life used to muffle all your fears
You’ve nothing better to do so you wait around all day,
But “I can’t expect everyone to be as pathetic as me,” you say
You try not to be a burden, and try your best to let them be,
But all those things unspoken just heighten your anxiety
Your paranoia gets the best of you, “of course they’re running away!”
“But I do wish they would stay a while” you whisper in dismay
You’d be glad if you could voice it out, though you doubt you ever could,
“But if it means that much to you, yeah, its a risk but you still should!”
I ask, “what makes YOU happy? and you, and you, and you?
Because what makes ME happy is when YOU are happy too!”
Too little, too much
I haven’t written anything in here for a really long time. I try to blame busyness, but that’s just an excuse. Its not that I don’t have anything to say, it’s that, I have too much to say and I don’t know where to start and what to write.
Sometimes, I feel like, what’s the point in me writing all this? This isn’t an educational blog; people who actually read it don’t go away holding a precious piece of knowledge of some new found understanding of life. I told this to a friend, and he asked me what was the reason I wrote in the first place.
That got me thinking, why do I write? well before, it was because I was such an introvert, shy beyond words, so this was the place where my thoughts were voiced out (thus the title of the blog) and he had a really interesting angle on why I don’t write as much anymore, which was because now, I actually have a voice, and people who are willing (I hope) to listen to my nonsensical crap. So to all my friends, that means, you, you, you, and not forgetting of course, YOU, Thanks for listening! And I’ll try to write more. I still have a lot to say here…
honesty
is holding back something personal you’ve never told anyone considered a lie?even if you’re not sure?