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eople can inspire you just by being themselves – I know that for a fact. As someone who likes people watching, observing, listening, inspiration comes to me in different forms but mostly from people and events around me. Recently I went to my high school for an iftar, and it brought back a lot of memories. People change, I don’t have a problem with that because its nature. But the direction in which people change, that is what matters. It’s heartwarming to see how people change for the better, even if when I knew them back in the day they were notorious for their less than stellar attitudes. It kind of gives you hope and pride and lots of respect for them, for being able to overcome their past and starting fresh, and going beyond everyone’s expectations. You feel happy for them because they had the strength and drive and consciousness to improve themselves, shed they old skin and head in the right direction. If they can do it, then so can I.

Then there are those who, after leaving, changed for the worse. Off came the hijabs; gone are the self restraints, limitations. I’m not a judgmental person; at least I try my best not to be, but its heart wrenchingly sad. Did their years in an Islamic school really not have any impact on their moral compass?

Which led me to think of something else. How much does our past or the people in our past affect us now? For example, in the states I used to wear a scarf to school, I was in 2nd grade back then. It was hard but I wore it because that what I was told to do, Alhamdulillah, and I was an obedient child. My best friend back then was a Finnish girl named Saara. When I moved to Malaysia and she moved back to Finland, we lost contact for years and years, and only recently managed to get back in touch. And what she told me in our first few emails really amazed me. I had told her that I have a Finland obsession, stemmed partially from having known her, and she said

“oh, and if I gave you a Finland obsession then you definitely gave me one on Islam. I think ever since I’ve found Islam really fascinating. The summer that we left the states (’95 as well) I remember often trying on a scarf or a towel to cover my head as if with a veil. I wonder if my parents were shocked at the time… probably not :). Now in Finland I’ve been sad to realize that not everyone has the same attitude towards Islam. I guess it’s mostly that people don’t really know much about it, but still it’s not right.”

Now she is kind of a social activist who regularly makes trips to Palestine in an effort to mediate peace. there really are no words which describe my admiration for her work, and if I had the smallest part to play in her being as amazing as she is, then I would feel content, and even if I didn’t, I would still be immensely proud of her.

I wish I had more strength to stand up for what I believe in, to stick to my values and principles, and to improve myself. I wish I had more strength to say NO.

Be the best you can be, not only because that’s what you should strive for, but also because you never know when someone is being inspired by you.

let me reiterate – IT WARMS YOUR HEART. it really really really does

Kindness

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and
purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
it is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you every where
like a shadow or a friend.

by Palestinian-American Naomi Shihab Nye
from the blog of author Tim Ferris

Gif animator

ust came back from dinner with my family. It was okay but the food was nyeh. before dinner started me and my mom and sister were talking…

me: ummi, if i dont get a scholarship i can’t go eh?
ummi: Insha’Allah you will get one
me: yeah, i can, but like canada, i got a scholarship, but i still couldn’t go. it wasnt enough.
Ummi: yeah i meant if you get a full scholarship, you can go lah.
moon: (something along the lines of) thats stupid, if maryam doesn’t get a full scholarship she cant go. Just go lah!

I don’t know if i can do it. getting a full scholarship is so hard. and i dont know if i can take the dissapointment again. Canada is still fresh. it still hurts a lot. i still tear up. i had to stop the conversation with my mom because i was starting to cry. and its a birthday dinner so crying would not have been appropriate. reading all the prospectuses and applying gets your hopes up so high, you get so excited, you think of all the opportunity and adventure and experiences you would get. and you get accepted, which means youre good enough to go. but not good enough to get a good enough amount of funding. and that burns. it burns because your best is not good enough. it burns because even though you are accepted, you don’t have enough money or dont know the right people to make it possible. it burns because you knew this was going to happen but you hoped and hoped and all of it ended in nothing. it burns.
but, insha’Allah khair. even though trying rips a hole through you, its the only way you’ll ever know. try your best and leave the rest to Allah. What is meant to happen happen will happen. *brave face*

amadhan is upon us again, Alhamdulillah~ so far it’s been an interesting and different experience. I’m working now, and even though I have been through Ramadhan while working before, that was just a temporary office job. Not very challenging. That’s the only thing I regret working so early, not taking an extended holiday, is that I can’t give Ramadhan my 100%. I’ll try my best though, Insha’Allah. This week has been pretty hectic. Last week as well, last week was hectic because of work. But this week I was fully booked the whole 5 weekdays for iftar. Monday…well Monday was at home. Tuesday our office had an office iftar at PNB. It was ok, sufficient selection. Wednesday was my brother’s birthday, so we planned on going out for dinner. But my sister and brother had evening classes so that plan was scrapped and we had dinner at home instead. Thursday was the UAC Architectural Students Design competition (intervarsity) prize giving, at the Royale Chulan. It was a nice venue, and Alhamdulillah I was awarded 2nd place. Although it was kind of confusing coz the mock cheque said 1st meritorious award. 1st of the runner ups la kira. There were so many people at the hotel for iftar. It was packed! The spread was very extensive. Anything and everything you can imagine. I particularly enjoyed the avocado salad. But buffets are so wasted on me. Tak berbaloi langsung. I have a very very small stomach so I didn’t even go for seconds. Friday my brother and I were invited to Aliou’s house for iftar. Pasta was good, and so was the company. We were chatting to Hassan afterwards, and he doesn’t look it, but he has some pretty weird ideas floating around in his head. It was a whole hour of what if…example: what if you had a superpower that was only active in this one room, once you exit the room it’s deactivated. What superpower would you choose? I chose mind reading. Flying around in a room would be kind of boring, and you can’t walk through the walls coz then you’d be out of the room. Some other questions he posed: what if the world was going to be destroyed and you were chosen to be the sole individual to carry on the human race after everyone dies. Would you accept? (No) what if you were stuck on a deserted island and there was no food, nothing around you. Would you cut off a piece of your own flesh in order to survive (no). Anyways that was the gist of the conversation. Saturday we were supposed to go out for the birthday dinner, but my dad said the place he wanted to go to was fully booked, so dinner was at home. We’ll see how it goes today. Yesterday I went to IKEA, used the money from my first paycheck to buy myself a wardrobe because ours is FULL. Buying furniture felt weird. It’s going to arrive today so I guess I have to clear my room.

On a side note, starting to think about my education more. It’s hard though, when your free time only amounts to the weekends. A lot less time for thinking and strategizing. Hmm.

Going for Tarawih prayers always makes me happy. It’s heart warming to see the mosque so full. The first night of Ramadhan the female section was packed so I had to go pray at the topmost level. All the better though. The guys section was also really full, AlhamduliLlah. Insha’Allah it will continue after Ramadhan as well..

اللهمَّ انَّكَ عَفُوٌ تُحبُّ العفْوَ فَاعْفُ عَنَّا

I was waiting for my friends in klcc and as usual that means finding a nook in kinokuniya and burying myself there. The book I picked up was tipping point by Malcolm gladwell, a book that I already had but haven’t read. But it was a good thing that I read that little bit of it yesterday because it made me realize what I wanted to be in life. I want to be a maven. Yep. Now I just have to figure out how, if its something to figure out and not just DO. I suppose it would take a lot of time.

Went to pray at the SUPERcrowded klcc surau (I knew I should have just gone home a.k.a mandarin oriental) it was stuffy and crowded and not at all peaceful. Afterwards I was sitting outside the surau waiting for my friends’ friend while people watching when my eyes focused on a person walking by. For a while I thought, huh this guy looks familiar…and then it hits me and I’m just frozen for a good 2 seconds. I dunno if anyone noticed me spacing out but as soon as a realized I was stunned I snapped out of it, shuddered and resumed all appropriate normalcy. That was really unexpected and weird.

The reason why I was in klcc was that we were going to watch a theater performance at the MPO. This one was called.. umm…Mek Mulung dewa muda or something. I didn’t know anything about the performance and just went along clueless. The start was nice, with a traditional opening act. I was thinking the entire time, asian dances are so hard, because all the movements are so deliberate and slow and measured and just so. Takes a lot of control. The play itself was really weird. Completely pointless but funny I guess, if you understood the language they were speaking in, which was a heavy northern dialect. I didn’t get most of it lol.

This week marks week three of me at work, and so far its been ok. But I dunno how its gonna be next week. My colleague who I was working with on a project left, Friday was his last day. And he was really good at design. I dunno how I’m gonna cope…insha’Allah it will all work out. Huhu

On Thursday I took a day off work to settle my university clearance. Its online now so it makes it much much more easier than the traditional treasure hunt. But the mahallah people didn’t know it was an online dealio, but thank god the person in charge came back just as I was about to leave dejected and in less than a minute a was clear. I am now officially graduated! Wheee~! Oh I also had to sign up for KWSP or EPF and I was surprised that the staff at my local branch were so friendly and helpful! Efficient too.i spent most of the day in UIA though, and walking through the campus made me feel like a first year student again. Which was blissfull. First year was definitely the year that uia was my playground, because lets face it, for the most of my second and third years kaed had me in its clawed clutches and I was just a kaed student, not a uia student. Which is sad. Being a first year student drifting through uia and bumping into people I met, going with the flow, that was pretty sweet. I could do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. Loner me was happy 😀 ah those were the good old days. And well, even though I’ve graduated, this week alone 4 out of 5 weekdays I found myself in uia, either before or after work. Same old same old story.

Its been a week since I started work, so far its been ok I guess. My office has 15 people in total. Its kinda quiet but that’s not so bad i guess. Right now I’m in the middle of designing a 60 acre waterfront masterplan. Scary. Every morning i walk 1.2 kilometers from the lrt station to my office. I haven’t gotten a flashcard yet so I end up ringing the doorbell everyday. When I get home, I watch a few episodes of avatar just to de-stress (yes, the cartoon :P)
My graduation dinner was yesterday, and it was fun!! Dressing up was fun and the event was well organized. By the end of it my face was sore from smiling so much hehe. There were some really interesting constumes, handmade, bought, rented. And the food was not so bad either. Thanks to our enthusiastic juniors for the great event and to our lecturers for gracing the event.

glasses by kache

shawl by nab

hijab styling by ecah

the rest by me

ome things I wrote down while waiting for my interview at z&sr to start. I came half an hour early haha!
Yellow walls (:D) timber floor. Exposed steel structure, very industrial chic-ish. Oodles or paraphernalia, pictures, posters, paintings, glass walls.
Orange chairs paired with dark furnishings
extensive library. Seems quite small
location is ok, nice compound but larger context not so much. Quiet day at work today, only 3 people spotted so far. (Added side note: another 2 people meandered out from the back. I guess this place is bigger than it looks)
looked at the phone directory at the small lobby. All Muslim names.
On the sign it said zaini mufti architects. SM Radhi design practice. (Thus the name z&sr architectural ventures)
pictures on the wall have people in them (does the company bring its staff on tours??)

The answer to that last question being, yes. 🙂
had an hour long interview/chat with one of the principals, and he offered me the job, Alhamdulillah 🙂

I wrote a long post about a house, but decided I should post it some other time. I had a weird dream last night. About arms and hands and warmth. About wanting to run away, but not being able to, then resigning, then accepting. About walking and bumping shoulders and being scared and shy. About someone leading the way, strong and silent and sweet and helpful. Guidance

When dreams start interfering in reality and clouding our minds, is it time to put those dreams to rest?

A month from now this will all be over, the crazy hectic student life, to be replaced by the vast and terrifying reality of a world outside these walls. I sit and wonder, about life, love, and everything in between. I think about my goals in life, or the lack of concrete ones. I think about my dreams, to take a year or more off and just travel all around the world, meeting people from my past and meeting new people in the process. I think o f my actual graduation, how I would feel on the day when 3 years of my life culminates in a single strut across a wide stage. I think of what I would want if I were to ask for anything, as a graduation gift (which I know, I won’t). I consider travel, my dream. Impossible, but then I think of another wish. To travel to a country like Egypt and devote myself to studying religion, the Qur’an, Arabic, hadith, and basically educating my soul. I wonder how my parents would react to that suggestion. I wonder, no, I am sure, that they would politely object by saying learning can be done anywhere. I think of more worldly things, like having a car, or asking instead for a chance to further my architectural education overseas. It’s a lot to ask, and it wouldn’t be fair to the rest of my family if I ate up a huge chunk of their life savings. I think of what I am passionate about and mostly come up blank. My passions are selfish ones. I want to improve myself, I want to learn more. I think of love, if it ever really exists in the way that some people portray it to be, or if it something beyond comprehension, as it will always remain to me. I think about family, and how grateful I am that my family is who they are no matter how many times I swear I hate them. I think of my friends, the many, many wonderful friends I can scarcely believe I am lucky to have, and wonder if they feel lucky to have me too. I think of the future, the cloudy, murky, wonderful and terrifying future. I think of freedom, and wonder if I will ever be free of my past demons or if I will ever be in peace with them. I think of feelings, elation, depression, hurt and sadness, worry and confusion, and wonder if I will ever be able to thaw my stone cold heart and be free from the shackles of blank numbness. I think of words, and if I will ever be able to say what my heart desires, truthfully and honestly and with surety and confidence.

I think and think and think.

I’ve tried writing this once, twice, thrice, and yet nothing seems to be able to capture even the slightest essence of what I’ve felt in the past couple of weeks. All I can say is, everything happens for a reason, and people should never be judged by their covers. You can learn something from just about anyone, and the past few weeks were a huge and beautiful learning experience for me. Everyone I met was so incredibly refreshing and so so positive, and collectively, it was like a force of energy that I couldn’t get enough of.

All the time, money, energy spent on just about everything was more than worth it. I can hardly remember a time where I was as happy as I was, eager to wake up and face each day no matter how difficult or gloomy it seemed to be. Because I knew that the people around me would supply me with all the encouragement and positive enrgy I needed, and for that I am eternally grateful to everyone

This post is something I tried to muster up. It does not even begin to describe what I felt because I am terrible at saying how I really feel. but trust me, its all good. Thank you

Please, can someone tell me what my problem is? Because I’m having a hard time pinning it down on my own.

thank you

The floor is yours.

Just came back from visiting Ala’ in her new house, very cute and clean. On the way back I had a lot to think about. One of them was where do I see myself in 5 years. It’s a common question in job interviews, and for someone like me, probably one of the hardest, right after “tell me about yourself”.

This year I’ll be 23, even though i just turned 22. That’s old…and in 5 years, I’ll be 28. Where do I see myself? Job wise, I suppose I see myself working, I don’t know as what yet, but enjoying my work and earning enough to provide for myself and my family to live comfortably. That’s the second part of my very vague 5 year plan. Personally, I see myself happily married, with a loving family. The person I am married to is my best friend, the one I want to share things with. The one who understand me, understands that I don’t understand myself a lot of times. I am still very close to my school friends, and we maintain a special relationship that not many people can wrap their heads around. In 5 years time I have managed to figure most of myself out, sort out my tangled head and figure out what I want. I am a better person, and successful in my work and personal life. More confident and wiser. Standing up for what I believe in. Taking a stand when it matters.

Well. That’s the goal anyways. Need to work on the action plan.

It was really good catching up with my friends, it really has been too long since we last had a decent chat. Too few and far between. Its quite scary how we all seem to be on the brink of something. Ala’s Married. Ilham is attending interviews for her chambering. Me, Iman, Aziza, Hiba, we’re all graduating soon. Ayesha is wrapping up her master’s thesis. We’re all nervous about the next step. Where do we go from here? Where will be go? What will we do? Most of us have a comfort zone – that being UIA. We’ve lived here most our lives. Our fathers are lecturers here, our mothers are never far. Our environment has been largely a protected one. It would be so easy to just stay, stay in this familiar environment. But I can speak for most of us and especially myself when I say that I do need a change of environment. A different kind of challenge. And yet, I feel like I’m not done with UIA just yet. There are many opportunities here that I failed to take. Opportunities that were so easy here I overlooked them ones that would be very hard to find elsewhere, I think. Things that I could learn here, people I could have met, events I could have participated in. space for me to grow. Staying in your comfort zone for too long without any extraordinary challenge will be dull, and you’ll lose your edge. But then, change, it’s hard. Starting fresh new in a new environment, there’s only so much you can do to prepare yourself for that. And you have to learn quick, catch up to what’s going on, be on your toes. You’ll want to rely on the comfort of friends, but then you have to realize that sometimes you have to do things on your own to learn. Support is necessary but so is independence.

“We all can plan but God is the best of planners. So for all my above plans, I say inshaAllah…”

This has been a self-reflective post by the messed up MH.

“I wish the world will truly see me, for what I truly am.“

For the days we feel as vague as faded memories.

…for what i truly am by katrinazz