The thoughts we ponder

A month from now this will all be over, the crazy hectic student life, to be replaced by the vast and terrifying reality of a world outside these walls. I sit and wonder, about life, love, and everything in between. I think about my goals in life, or the lack of concrete ones. I think about my dreams, to take a year or more off and just travel all around the world, meeting people from my past and meeting new people in the process. I think o f my actual graduation, how I would feel on the day when 3 years of my life culminates in a single strut across a wide stage. I think of what I would want if I were to ask for anything, as a graduation gift (which I know, I won’t). I consider travel, my dream. Impossible, but then I think of another wish. To travel to a country like Egypt and devote myself to studying religion, the Qur’an, Arabic, hadith, and basically educating my soul. I wonder how my parents would react to that suggestion. I wonder, no, I am sure, that they would politely object by saying learning can be done anywhere. I think of more worldly things, like having a car, or asking instead for a chance to further my architectural education overseas. It’s a lot to ask, and it wouldn’t be fair to the rest of my family if I ate up a huge chunk of their life savings. I think of what I am passionate about and mostly come up blank. My passions are selfish ones. I want to improve myself, I want to learn more. I think of love, if it ever really exists in the way that some people portray it to be, or if it something beyond comprehension, as it will always remain to me. I think about family, and how grateful I am that my family is who they are no matter how many times I swear I hate them. I think of my friends, the many, many wonderful friends I can scarcely believe I am lucky to have, and wonder if they feel lucky to have me too. I think of the future, the cloudy, murky, wonderful and terrifying future. I think of freedom, and wonder if I will ever be free of my past demons or if I will ever be in peace with them. I think of feelings, elation, depression, hurt and sadness, worry and confusion, and wonder if I will ever be able to thaw my stone cold heart and be free from the shackles of blank numbness. I think of words, and if I will ever be able to say what my heart desires, truthfully and honestly and with surety and confidence.

I think and think and think.