Fragments of a distracted mind

multi disciplinary project this semester.
lost.
yeah, i remember the other reasons I wanted to take AQS1301 now and not then.

—-
Maybe its the warmer climate
Tell me if I’m going crazy
But everything you said amazed me
Seems to easy on the ear to
Be something I should adhere to

—-
played squash again today. wasn’t as tiring as the first time. another item to add to my long wishlist – a squash racquet.

—-
plucking flowers. plucking flower petals.
Up, down, higher higher, and falling, faster, deeper, and landing harder
a cat chasing its tail, while pawing at a mouse
that secret, bubbling and boiling, bursting and finding its way out
glorious in its invisibility, yet torturous in its supression
speculations and doubts, casting those fishing lines, numerous, and each one baited with a piece of yourself
until there’s not much left for everyone else

—-
YES

—
Read The Life of Pi, and loved it. Especially Chapter 56.
(The Life of Pi by Yann Martel is available in the light reading area of IIUM Library)

-56-

I must say a word about fear. It is life’s only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unerring ease. It begins in your mind, always. One moment you are feeling calm, self-possessed, happy. Then fear, disguised in the garb of mild-mannered doubt, slips into your mind like a spy. Doubt meets disbelief and disbelief tries to push it out. But disbelief is a poorly armed foot soldier. Doubt does away with it with little trouble. You become anxious. Reason comes to do battle for you. You are reassured. Reason is fully equipped with the latest weapons technology. But, to your amazement, despite superior tactics and a number of undeniable victories, reason is laid low. You feel yourself weakening, wavering. Your anxiety becomes dread.

Fear next turns fully to your body, which is already aware that something terribly wrong is going on. Already your lungs have flown away like a bird and your guts have slithered away like a snake. Now your tongue drops dead like an opossum, while your jaw begins to gallop on the spot. Your ears go deaf. Your muscles begin to shiver as if they had malaria and your knees to shake as though they were dancing. Your heart strains too hard, while your sphincter relaxes too much. And so with the rest of your body. Every part of you, in the manner most suited to it, falls apart. Only your eyes work well. They always pay proper attention to fear.

Quickly you make rash decisions. You dismiss your last allies: hope and trust. There, you’ve defeated yourself. Fear, which is but an impression, has triumphed over you.

The matter is difficult to put into words. For fear, real fear, such as shakes you to your foundation, such as you feel when you are brought face to face with your mortal end, nestles in your memory like a gangrene: it seeks to rot everything, even the words with which to speak of it. So you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don’t, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you.

—-
am i standing still
beneath the darkening sky
or am i standing still
with the scenery flying by
or am i standing still
and at the corner of my eye
was that you
passing me by
sweet sorrow is the call tomorrow

—
my allusions are deeper than what i publish, for some reason, its the things i don’t say that mean more and are what i really want to say. hmm.